Or, as I say after a full bottle of champagne, apparently, Nappy Yew Hear! Which, to the person it's directed towards, hears “Nappy you, here?” Anyway, let's get on with it. It's a new year and all I can think of is why I seem to get these Saturday posts for EVERY holiday. Will 2011 be different? Will 2012 mark the end of humanity as we know, as predicted by the Mayans? All yet to be determined, and we've no control over any of it, so let's talk about what we can control.
New Year's resolutions. That thing we do where we think of like 80 possible changes we'd make to our lives to better ourselves, and much like the firebombing of Tokyo, just sort of hope that one of them makes it. Now, I woke up on a farm this morning; crusty, freezing cold, alone, and as Paul Banks would put it, “chase thrilled and altered.” And that's when it hit me. New Year's resolutions. Sh*t! I've got to make them. And so does everyone. So, this is what I, as a Red Wings fan, expect the New Year's resolutions to be like for our favourite people. Oh wait, mine? Basically, just don't repeat last night's events, at least not for another year. Right, moving on then...
Resolves to end his passive aggressive approach of calling out players via the media. Look at it this way, if you're Chris Osgood, the worst way to find out your coach is disappointed in you is by reading the newspaper. Ouch, that one stung, right? Best way to find out your coach is disappointed in you? Giving you the hook.
Resolves to shorten the time interval between wins. Number 400 had potential for coming 2 seasons ago, instead, he teased us with it by letting in that 1 or 2 extra goals he had no business letting in, then raising his glove and blocker and resting his chin on his chest. Classic Ozzie. I love you, though
Resolves to get his rebounds under control. Pretty much all the team has to do is tell him it's not just a puck, but it's covered in chocolate. That should do the trick.
Resolves to stay healthy by wearing a full body cast whenever he's NOT playing hockey. And when he is? Carbon-fiber reinforced suit. Batman used one. But Eaves' hatty was so nice to see, it's really a shame he couldn't go on the New Year's Eve game. He's been on such a tear (tare? Also appropriate). Am I the only one that thinks him finishing the game with his first ever hat trick, then reporting an upper body injury so severe he misses the next game, is sort of comparable to the story of John Henry? Effort, will and determination to get the job done and then, when it's over, croak.
Has, thank goodness, resolved to start wearing those plastic boot-covers that protect against slap shots. Really will be silly if that's not his REAL New Year's resolution, won't it?
Resolves to take better care of his multi-million dollar hands. In other words, not using them to punch Corey Perry in his ugly, dumb head. If I never see Pav in another fight the rest of my life, I won't complain. If I see Jonny Ericsson step in and punch through their face until he gets cerebral cortex matter on his fists, I'll be even happier.
Resolves to – was thinking of resolving to – considered, well actually was just tossing it around, but maybe sh...shoot, shooting, towards the, just shooting maybe like at the net...shoot or maybe I should -
OH FOR F$ SAKE JUST SHOOT IT, MAN!
Resolves to resume his hobby of building birdhouses. Of course, these are the houses where he puts in a bit of bread, but squishes the bread over a tablet of rat poison, so he can watch them fall from the sky and point and laugh as they do. Really, just becomes a modern day Shaun Ryder.
Resolves to be even more Russian. He's been holding back on it a bit, thinking that maybe people, especially Colorado fans, will confuse him with one of the characters from Red Dawn. Of course, Todd Bertuzzi has this problem on a daily basis, but the remake is coming out soon so they can both forget about it.
Resolves to do absolutely nothing because he's tremendously badass as it is, and his goals will pick up as he learns to stick handle near the goalie but for now, everything else he does is always a wonderful effort. He's drawn more penalties than Gregory Campbell. Fact.
Last but not least, Homer. In fact, this might even be the most important resolution of them all. Homer resolves (please God!) to never again skate through the neutral zone with the puck on his stick. Especially on a power play. In fact, if the old phrase is true, that you're more dangerous when you don't have the puck, then for Christ's sake don't touch it until you're in the offensive zone...period. End of story.